Like, R.I.P. English

I can't seem to adapt to the new ways of communication, and in particular, the degrading abandonment of the English language. It has been oversimplified to the point that words have lost their meanings, effectively deforming the Mona Lisa into a stick figure. It's like a woman of stunning beauty, so full of promise, sold into a life of street prostitution. I can't even properly use 'like' without cringing because I constantly hear it used improperly. I constantly hear it. Period.

I prefer to think of language as a set of tools and materials. Singularly, each word has value, but only as a sum are they able to form a use and serve a purpose. A picture speaks a thousand words, but similarly, the perfect combination of words paints a masterpiece. For me, romance will always be expressed by the written word, love expressed by the spoken word, and passion expressed by the word unsaid.

Even, and often especially, in the darkest of life's times, I try to find humor. My sister and I often joke about the new (abbreviated, shallow, misspelled, and sans punctuation) American-English dialect, particularly among Millennials and "urbanites" (both real and fake). As I pay my respects (props in our new dialect) to a few of my favorite, dying words (they will be in italics), I will attempt to show how those same ideas can be communicated in today's moronically-efficient English. Side thought: How insanely improbable is it that I refer to the urban dictionary more often than Webster's?

After breaking up with her, a forlorn feeling overwhelmed me.

Translates to:

Bitch cold



At the time, it seemed like glorious serendipity that we met. I am perplexed as to how I could have ever thought that.

Translates to:

WTF was I thinking?


Her mercurial nature was a mystery I wanted to solve. After a few months, I wish I had just left it a mystery.

Translates to:

WTF was I thinking?



His salacious proclivities would make swingers blush.

Translates to:

He likes 2 fuck



While enjoying drinks, her repartee aroused and enchanted, but while texting, it faintly existed.

Translates to:

She won't sext



You are perfect, wonderful, and vivacious. I can't wait to see you!

Translates to:

Yo bitch




And remember......if you want to like, expand your American-English lexicon, just, like, invent a word. Like, no one will be the wiser.