Like, R.I.P. English

I can't seem to adapt to the new ways of communication, and in particular, the degrading abandonment of the English language. It has been oversimplified to the point that words have lost their meanings, effectively deforming the Mona Lisa into a stick figure. It's like a woman of stunning beauty, so full of promise, sold into a life of street prostitution. I can't even properly use 'like' without cringing because I constantly hear it used improperly. I constantly hear it. Period.

I prefer to think of language as a set of tools and materials. Singularly, each word has value, but only as a sum are they able to form a use and serve a purpose. A picture speaks a thousand words, but similarly, the perfect combination of words paints a masterpiece. For me, romance will always be expressed by the written word, love expressed by the spoken word, and passion expressed by the word unsaid.

Even, and often especially, in the darkest of life's times, I try to find humor. My sister and I often joke about the new (abbreviated, shallow, misspelled, and sans punctuation) American-English dialect, particularly among Millennials and "urbanites" (both real and fake). As I pay my respects (props in our new dialect) to a few of my favorite, dying words (they will be in italics), I will attempt to show how those same ideas can be communicated in today's moronically-efficient English. Side thought: How insanely improbable is it that I refer to the urban dictionary more often than Webster's?

After breaking up with her, a forlorn feeling overwhelmed me.

Translates to:

Bitch cold



At the time, it seemed like glorious serendipity that we met. I am perplexed as to how I could have ever thought that.

Translates to:

WTF was I thinking?


Her mercurial nature was a mystery I wanted to solve. After a few months, I wish I had just left it a mystery.

Translates to:

WTF was I thinking?



His salacious proclivities would make swingers blush.

Translates to:

He likes 2 fuck



While enjoying drinks, her repartee aroused and enchanted, but while texting, it faintly existed.

Translates to:

She won't sext



You are perfect, wonderful, and vivacious. I can't wait to see you!

Translates to:

Yo bitch




And remember......if you want to like, expand your American-English lexicon, just, like, invent a word. Like, no one will be the wiser.

Soulful Is As Soulful Does

I have a rabid hatred for country music. It's not only because of the tired stories about beer, unrequited-trailer-park love, and pick-up trucks, though the dull-witted lyrics contribute handsomely to my disdain. To me, country music lacks soul, and I feel nothing when I hear it. I'm starting to get that same feeling about people.

I've used the word soulful more times than I can count over the last month (which has been the strangest 4-ish weeks in a long while). I've used it to compliment my dearest friend. I've used it describe my 11-year old niece. Mostly, I've used it to rationalize my cynicism about dating. As much as I'd like to argue with my logic, I can't.

The technical definition for soulful is: expressing or appearing to express deep feeling.

I've simplified my definition to: expressing depth beyond handbags, fingernails, and exercising.

In the interest of joining the dumbing-down fad, maybe soulful should mean: demonstrating the abilities to breathe and to produce sound from one's mouth.

I realize that small-talk has its place, and that not all conversation is as meaningful or poignant as others. I have accepted that. But Jesus, even small-talk provides one an opportunity to demonstrate witty humor and gulp......depth!!

Rant over. It has been a slow summer for furniture. Maybe I'll start painting plastic swimming pools to symbolize how shallow the gene and people pools have become.

Nothing metaphorical about this photo

Lunatic Binge

I have an addictive personality, and it extends to just about every aspect of my life, including entertainment. For instance, when I pick up a book, I usually forego all of life's necessities (including sleep) until the last page is read. So, when I subscribed to Netflix a couple years ago, the second coming of Jesus Christ couldn't have been more spectacular.

Binge-watching wasn't something with which I was completely unfamiliar. I did it for the first two seasons of  Weeds via Showtime on Demand. So, I wasn't a virgin, but I wasn't very experienced either.

I've yet to binge on every recommendation provided by friends and family, but here is my list (I'm addicted to making lists also) of binge-watching options on Netflix. The two main criteria are plot and dialogue. I love a good plot, but at least as much, I need intelligent dialogue between characters to truly enjoy a series. The subjective criterion of my list is how sad I felt when it was over.

1. Breaking Bad--I don't know how in the hell I missed this while it was on cable. It is the best show I have ever seen, and it's not even close. For a while, that title belonged to Sopranos, then to Dexter, but as great as those shows were, neither comes close to the quality of Breaking Bad. It has everything. Superb character development. Suspenseful plots that are plausible. Brilliant writing and acting. Most importantly, it didn't overstay like many other shows do, so it never got tired. Out of 62 episodes, there may have been two that were less-than-exhilarating. Abso-fucking-lutely binge-worthy. (6 stars out of 5).

2. Dexter--A few years ago, I would have considered it sacrilege to have another show rated ahead of Dexter, but I can't make a single argument to rate any show ahead of Breaking Bad. Still, it's a great show. It's tense, fun to watch, and it's easy to love a psychopath who kills only those who deserve it. The binge will have lulls though. Season 6 was downright painful to watch, and I expected more from seasons 3, 5, and 8, but all-in-all, a very well-done series. Extremely binge-worthy. (4.5 stars out of 5).

3. Peaky Blinders--I love Peaky Blinders, but only 12 episodes have been produced. I hate ranking a series with such a small sample size so highly, but that's a testament to it. It's a fantastic "period-drama," taking place in post-World War I Birmingham, England. The show reminds me a lot of The Godfather and The Sopranos, so if you like the gangster-genre, you will love Peaky Blinders. The acting, costumes, and set-design are also first class. Extremely binge-worthy. (4.5 stars out of 5).

4. Weeds--A very worthy candidate if one needs to kill two days' worth of hours. Mary Louise Parker is terrific (and I'm not at all skewed by my long-time crush on her), and her supporting cast is equally brilliant. The show lived a bit longer than it should have, but it's a perfect mix of dark comedy, drama, and suspense. Very binge-worthy. (4.4 stars out of 5).

5. Orange is the New Black--When I started watching OINB, I thought, "This reminds me a lot of Weeds." Shortly thereafter, I paid attention to the opening credits only to realize the shows were created by the same woman. The casting director must be a genius because each character seems perfectly cast. And, after a solid Season 3, the shows vaults into my top 5. Very binge-worthy, but we all have to wait for Season 4. I hate waiting. (4.3 stars out of 5).

6. House of Cards--Though without first-hand knowledge, I can certainly imagine that the goings-on in D.C. are as scummy as portrayed in House of Cards. Kevin Spacey nails his part, and the supporting cast do a fabulous job portraying Washington cleptocrats. I was extremely disappointed in Season 3, but the first two keep this show very highly rated. Hopefully, the writers come back with something better in Season 4. Very binge-worthy. (4.2 stars out of 5).

7. Grand Hotel (Spanish)--I'm embarrassed about how much I loved this......gulp......Spanish novella. I truly enjoyed the story lines, and one would be hard-pressed to outdo the costume designer and set designer (the furniture is magnificent). The more I watch period-dramas, the more and more I like them, and Grand Hotel was no different. If I were to be completely subjective, this show would rate higher on this list. If you can live with the subtitles, this is very binge-worthy. (4.2 stars out of 5).

8. Rectify--For me, Rectify was like reading a book, so a lot of people won't like it. It is slow-moving, so the characters get developed well. The dialogues are deep and dark, but considering the story is based on a man on death row whose murder conviction was overturned, how could they not be? Season 3 is coming soon, and I am very-much looking forward to it. Very binge-worthy, especially if it's raining or if you are sick. (4.2 stars out of 5).

9. Bloodline--Only one season has been produced, and I have no clue where the writers intend on taking this show, but for now, it's in my top-10. Very tense plot within a dysfunctional family always makes great entertainment. Very binge-worthy. (4.2 stars out of 5).

10. The Tudors--I never binged on this one because I watched it from its inception on Showtime. It's the third "period-drama" on the list, and for those who know even a little bit about the early years of the English Renaissance are all-too-familiar with how the Henry VIII story begins and ends. It has been ages since I watched an episode, but I remember the acting, costumes, and sex were all first-rate. Very binge-worthy. (4 stars out of 5).

11. Rita (Danish)--Very binge-worthy. (4 stars out of 5).

12. The Killing--Very binge-worthy. (4 stars out of 5).

13. Blacklist--Very binge-worthy. (3.9 stars out of 5).

14. The Bletchley Circle--Binge-worthy (3.8 stars out of 5)

15. The Assets--Binge-worthy. (3.7 stars out of 5).

16.Witnesses (French)--Binge-worthy. (3.6 stars out of 5).

17. Turn--Binge-worthy. (3.6 stars out of 5).

18. Broadchurch (British)--Barely binge-worthy (3.3 stars out of 5).

19. Sons of Anarchy--Probably ended three or four seasons too late. I could have done without Peggy Bundy's singing, but when your hubby is the creator, one gets to reprise songs at one's leisure. Not binge-worthy. (3.1 stars out of 5).

20. Lilyhammer--I enjoyed the first season. It's been on a steep downward-trajectory ever since. Not binge-worthy. (2.9 stars out of 5).

21. Lost--I liked it at first. As it progressed, it made less and less sense. I did hear a song that I loved, but that's about the best I can write.  http://coffeeandvalium.blogspot.com/2015/05/lunatic-binge-songs.html  

The ending was exponentially worse than Sopranos. Don't make the mistake I made. Do not binge!!!! (2.6 stars out of 5).

I was hoping to compile a top-25 like they do for college teams, but alas, my personal life isn't quite pathetic enough to warrant that number......yet. I'll try harder.